Valentine’s Day can bring up many different feelings. For some it’s a celebration of love and connection, while for others it can highlight loneliness, past breakups, or worries about relationships, especially if you’re living with a long-term condition like epilepsy.
Whether you’re in a relationship, dating, or single, this time of year can prompt reflection on connection, intimacy and self-worth. As both someone who lives with epilepsy and is a qualified Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist, I understand first-hand how epilepsy can impact confidence, mental health, intimacy and relationships. Even with the challenges of epilepsy, fulfilling relationships and a strong sense of self are possible.
Here are some thoughts and tips that I hope may help.
Valentine’s Day – Relationships & Self-care
Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be about having a partner. It can also be a great opportunity to focus on self-love and self-care. If you are in a relationship, remember that strong relationships are built on communication, understanding and compassion, not perfection. Take time to check in with each other, talk about how you’re feeling, and do something thoughtful together, even if it’s something simple like going for a walk or cooking a meal at home.
If you’re single, try not to see Valentine’s Day as a reminder of what you don’t have. Instead, use it as a chance to do something nurturing for yourself. That could be spending time with friends or family, watching your favourite film, having a relaxing shower, or practising something that helps you unwind.
Learning to be kind to yourself is just as important as being in a romantic relationship.
How to tell a potential partner you have epilepsy
One of the most common worries I hear, and one I have experienced myself, is when and how to tell someone you’re dating that you have epilepsy.
There is no “perfect” time, but generally it can help to share once you feel a level of trust and connection building. You don’t need to tell someone on the first date if you’re not comfortable, but it’s also helpful not to leave it too long, especially as relationships become more serious.
Try to explain it in a calm and confident way:
- What type of seizures you have (if you’re comfortable sharing)
- How often they happen or if you’re currently seizure free
- What, if anything, they might need to do if you have a seizure
Alongside worries about timing, many people fear being judged or rejected after sharing that they have epilepsy. Many people worry that having epilepsy might change how a potential partner sees them, but often the opposite is true. Openness can lead to greater understanding and deeper connection, and the right person will want to understand and support you, not judge you.
I have lost count of the number of times someone – even people I’ve dated in the past – has said, “Oh epilepsy, isn’t that the thing with flashing lights?” While photosensitive epilepsy does exist, it’s only one small part of a much bigger picture. In those moments, it can feel as though the reality of living with epilepsy; the blackouts, headaches, exhaustion, emotional impact and painful seizures, are minimised or misunderstood. This lack of awareness can be frustrating and isolating and highlights why open conversations about epilepsy are so important. It is also okay to set boundaries; you don’t owe anyone every detail of your medical history, share what feels right for you.
Sex, Intimacy and Epilepsy
Sex and intimacy are an important part of many relationships, yet when it comes to epilepsy, this is something that is rarely talked about openly. Whilst sex, intimacy and relationships can be influenced by many physical, emotional and social factors, this section focuses specifically on the impact of epilepsy.
Living with epilepsy can sometimes affect sexual confidence, desire and intimacy. Some people worry about having a seizure during sex, feel anxious about their body or symptoms, or experience fatigue and low mood caused by seizures or medication side effects. For others, changes in hormones, stress levels, or medication can impact libido or physical arousal.
In some cases, people may avoid sex altogether for fear of triggering a seizure or feeling unwell afterwards. This can lead to frustration, guilt, or distance within relationships, even though these experiences are far more common than many realise. It is important to know that there is no “right” or “normal” way to experience sex when living with epilepsy. Everyone’s body and condition are different, and intimacy can look many ways. Open communication with your partner about worries, boundaries and needs can help build reassurance and closeness.
If sex or intimacy feels difficult, talking to a professional such as a psychosexual therapist, your GP or an epilepsy specialist nurse can be incredibly helpful. Support can focus on reducing anxiety, rebuilding confidence, exploring alternative ways of being intimate, and addressing any physical or emotional barriers.
Epilepsy should not mean the end of a fulfilling sex life, but it may mean needing understanding, patience and sometimes extra support.
Why you might want to talk to a professional
Living with epilepsy can affect far more than just physical health. It can impact:
- Confidence and self-esteem
- Anxiety about seizures happening in public or during intimacy
- Low mood or depression
- Relationship difficulties
- Fear of rejection
Talking to a professional, such as a counsellor, psychosexual therapist or relationship therapist, can offer a safe space to explore these feelings without judgement. Your GP may be able to refer you to a therapist. In my own experience and my work with clients, having someone to talk to can be life changing. It can help you understand your emotions, build coping strategies, improve communication in relationships, and feel less alone.
You do not need to be “in crisis” to seek support, sometimes just having a space to talk openly can make a huge difference.
Caring for your mental health and managing stress
Stress can have a big impact on both mental wellbeing and epilepsy. For me personally, I noticed that stressful life events and relationship difficulties contributed to my seizures returning after being seizure free.
Here are some gentle ways to help manage stress:
- Create routines
- Having a regular sleep pattern, balanced meals and time to relax can help your body and mind feel more stable.
- Practice relaxation techniques
- Deep breathing, mindfulness, yoga or meditation can help calm your nervous system.https://epilepsysociety.org.uk/living-epilepsy/wellbeing/complementary-therapies
- Move your body in ways that feel good; this could be walking, stretching, the gym, swimming or any activity you enjoy (and that is safe for you. If you are swimming, make sure you have someone with you and tell the lifeguard).
- Talk about how you feel, whether it’s with friends, family or a professional, sharing worries can help reduce emotional strain.
Be kind to yourself. Living with epilepsy can be exhausting at times, it is okay to rest, say no, and prioritise your wellbeing.
A final message
Growing up with epilepsy wasn’t always easy. Medication side effects affected my mood, energy levels, memory and relationships, particularly during my teenage years. I often felt misunderstood and frustrated, and at times just wanted to feel “normal”.
However, living with epilepsy has also shaped who I am today and inspired me to support others through my work as a Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist. If there is one thing I would want people to take away, it is this; epilepsy does not define your worth, your ability to love, or your chance of having fulfilling relationships and a happy life. With understanding, support, and self-compassion, it is possible to live a fulfilling life.
Organisations such as the Epilepsy Society offer vital support, information and specialist services for people living with epilepsy and their loved ones. Reaching out for guidance, whether medical, emotional or practical, can make a huge difference and help people feel less alone in their journey.
If you would like to talk to someone there is also the Epilepsy Society Helpline.
Contact Ella
If you’d like to find out more about my work or get in touch: